It never ceases to amaze me how I am caught off guard by God's kindness to me. Now I can hear some of you out there saying...God's Kindness!! you have a daughter with a debilitating nuerological condition, seems to me God's been doing some overlooking. To tell you the truth I have wrestled with that same question. Why does God, if he is good, allow innocent children to be inflicted with things like autism. Why does God, if He cares for me, not immediately answer my prayers for Scarlet's healing? How can I be caught off guard with his kindness while he is still not removing the very thing from my life that I would want most to be removed? I thought I should get this out of the way first, so that in subsequent blogs you would be able to hear what I have to say without that same question causing a lump in your throat.
I can't say that I will ever know for certain, but I can tell you what I have worked through...
"Where's the moon?" asks Skye, my youngest. She has just discovered it in the sky and is fascinated by its existence. We are in the car doing errands and have just turned the corner so that the once visible moon is now directly behind us. "Where's the moon?" she asks again. "Behind us, baby" I answer. She doesn't understand. We turn the corner again and the moon is now on the opposite side of the car. "Look, another moon!" exults Skye in excited tones. "No, baby, that is the same moon it is just on the other side now." She doesn't understand how one thing can stay in the same place while our moving can change where it appears to be. I don't know when that concept is scheduled to click on in her brain, but it is certainly not today as we continue our dialogue about the moon for some time. Honestly, I am a little exasperated by the end of the drive, because she just can't understand and nothing I tell her helps.
The human brain is incredible. It's capacity for learning and reasoning is astonishing, but with all of its ability, there are still so many mysteries it has yet to unlock. So many things created in our world that it cannot recreate no matter how it tries. In fact it doesn't even know all the facts about the galaxy that we live in. We don't know for certain how many galaxies there are. We don't even know for certain how an atom gets its energy. I am reminded, by Skye's inability to comprehend the placement of the moon, that I am in a similar situation. I have only finite understanding of my life and even the universe that I live in. If the God who created the astounding design of this universe knows more about me and my life than I do, and if He is interested in my good, then perhaps there is something that I am just not getting....quite possible. "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16. Sounds like God maybe wants to give me some good things.
What I do know, is that God did not create a world with pain and sickness in it. That was human kind's choice. I also know that if God gave us everything we wanted it would be about as good for us as giving chocolate cake to my son for every meal. The truth is, we don't always know or desire what is best. Everyone knows what a child is like who always gets his way, who is never allowed to fail, who is always made to think the world revolves around him. He or she ends up pretty useless. Why then do I feel indignant when God does not treat me the same way? I want everything to be perfect, especially for my children. I want to have it my way, I want an easy life, and I would like my plans to be worked out my way. I don't want to have to wake up every morning to the grim reality of autism. I would rather have typically developing children experiencing normal bumps in the road...and thankfully I do have two of those.
If we think about it, God shielding us from every form of hardship would be like giving us chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pretty tasty for sure, but in the end not desirable. God's answer to the sickness, and pain that was let into our world through sin was his son, Jesus and his sacrifice on our behalf is said to heal us from sin and its effects. Yet we still die, yes, we still have sick children, yes, but we forget that we are eternal beings...autism has reminded me over and over again of this. My reality doesn't just begin and end with my birth and death, nor with Scarlets sickness or healing. God has given me the gift of Jesus to guide me through the ravages of sin in our world. Sin and its effects, sickness, pain, abandonment, lonliness, will come in contact with me, but God through is Son, Jesus, gives me the strength to rise above its effects on my life. Sometimes I feel desperately, inconsolably sad when I watch my daughter hurt herself, or get made fun of, but when I run to my Jesus, his comfort is beyond anything I have ever tasted. It is far more desirable than the "chocolate cake" I thought I wanted in the first place. Communing with the divine, receiving his comfort and peace, knowing that he loves me, these things leave me startled. The way that I am constantly reminded to access them because of the very thing I detest in my life, is startling. Little reminders along the way that I matter to the Creator of the Universe is startling, thus the name of the blog.
Just like Skye can't understand where the moon is going to be, I can't always grasp that what I percieve as a tragedy is fine tuning my eternal trajectory. This place is not all there is. All of what I hope for will be met in another place. My reality isn't temporal, it is eternal and for me those glimpses of eternity are often directly related to the rending in my life from autism... Divinely startled.
Today was Scarlet's first day of Kindergarten. I don't know if she was confused about Halloween being so near, but it seems that she was trying to be a vampire and bit her EA on the neck....not such a great start. On the upswing, however, her temporary EA is a lovely girl from our church who was so excited to work with Scarlet...she may be feeling a little less excited and more, maybe, sore. At any rate, the special education assessment board happened to be at the school for a meeting right around the time Scarlet decided to jump on the current vampire bandwagon and were able to assess her. I am sure she got their attention. Stay tuned.
I apologize for the length of this post. I promise that I won't have the time to be so wordy in subsequent posts.
Just read from Oct. 3 to this entry. Thanks Angela for being so honest and eloquent in your writing. Thanks too for questioning God openly. I'm always so touched by the fact that you don't stop at the frustration, and questioning. You allow God's wisdom to teach you and He always comes out glorified in your words and life. Many would get stuck on the doubts and the whys. Your life is a genuine testimony to all, whether they are going through the same struggles as you or their own. Praying for you and Paul and the family.
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