tests and tears

I am not sure how to describe the experience of taking my beautiful daughter to a psychologist in order to determine her cognitive function. No matter how you dress it up, there is no way to take away the awkward gait of autism. I sat beside Scarlet as she failed test after test. I am sure that her scores will be less than "normal". It feels a bit unfair to line her up in such a fashion, but I suppose there has to be some starting place in order to categorize. Autism is always two steps forward one step back, this test was a flashback to three years ago when I took a then, three year old Scarlet to be diagnosed. After all these years of therapy, I can't tell that she did any better on this recent test as she did in the initial one. It is frustrating to work so hard and then be told that things just don't line up. I KNOW there have been gains, maybe their testing methods need to be more broad, but it is a bit of a gut wrencher all the same. Fortunately, I don't think Scarlet even knew what was going on, so at least I don't have to worry about her thinking she is less than normal. I guess it is just something that bothers me, because I see so much potential. It makes me wonder if I am just delusional, I mean, after all, these are people who know a lot more about the human brain than I do. But no matter how many of these tests she fails, I still can't settle into their validity. Maybe I will go to my grave with false hopes, but I would rather be cheering for Scarlet in ignorance than dismissing her to lifetime of scripted failure. And then there is always God.